Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hypocriticism - Your Call.

Isn't it funny:-

When the other fellow takes too long to do something, he's slow;
When I take too long to do something, I'm thorough.

When the other fellow doesn't do it, he's lazy;
When I don't do it, I'm busy.

When the other fellow does it without being told, he's overstepping his bounds;
When I go ahead and do it without being told, thats initiative.

When the other fellow states his opinion strongly, he's bullheaded;
When I state my opinion strongly, I'm firm.

When the other fellow overlooks a few rules of etiquette, he's rude;
When I skip a few rules of etiquette, I'm doing my own thing.

- Charles McHarry, New York Daily News -

You're absolutely right of course, I am a hypocrite - not that I've actually denied that fact - but before you launch into your somewhat rehearsed speech with that absolutely annoying smug look on your face, do consider this: What about you yourself? Are you really that guilt free from hypocriticism to accuse me of something true, which makes me totally innocent btw?

I neither have the time nor tolerance to listen to your bullshit. Keep it short and to the point next time. Please, for your own sake, go dunk you head in the pool before trying to start a bitch fight with me. Perhaps you'll at least regain some measure of clarity before you humiliate yourself in public once again.

Quote from Ms.EpicFail: "Hypocrites like you are miserable souls seeking attention"

Hah. In your face! Fyi, I already have all the attention I need at the moment unlike you. Obviously hypocrites like me already have the confidence needed to be hypocritical as well as admit my faults at the same time. So doesn't that make you the one with the pathetic soul?

Hypocrite trying to teach me about hypocriticism, creating unneccessary drama just so you'd be the QueenBee. Dream on babe, with that attitude and mentality, you're no match for me yet. Go meditate a few years or something. Ugh. What a waste of time.

Lastly, I need to apologize to someone and the others, because apparently that someone complained that I did not greet him on msn when I'm online (wtf?!) and I did not link him in my blog. Not to mention that someone specifically highlighting the fact that I've ditched him for a few times in the past month despite me warning way beforehand that I'm unable to confirm my attendance. Okay, I shall stop here before I start reconsidering what the hell @#$%& am I apologising for.

ps. Before I forget, thanks for the invite Andrew!! You're the absolute bestest! (ignore the grammatical error). Lol.

Monday, October 27, 2008


Okay. I suppose its about time I lay off the emo posts - at least for the time being.

So how has everyone been doing? Very sorry about the sudden retreat from certain events. And I'm sorry for missing Cal and Su Wen's b'day party. It was too difficult for me. Happy Belated Birthday anyways. If you're free, call me out and we'll get some ice-cream, on me =)

Before you launch into a full blown lecture about how I should take care of myself (as quite a few have done on MSN), let me just tell you this: CHILL.

I am NOT sick - at least no more than usual
I am NOT depressed - most of the time anyways
I am NOT gonna remain emo for the rest of my life

Thanks for the concern though. I can usually retain self control, enough to get through the day. Ignore the occasional cracks and im sorry if I made anyone feel uncomfortable. Besides, I'm supposed to be fine most of the time, not that it really matters since I look fine, but then again, if I can really look fine, I guess that means I really am fine? And seeing that this covers 'most of the times' why am I even discussing this? ugh.

So anyways, Brian called earlier cz he was bored - thats his official excuse, but its obviously more to check up on me. Being typical idiots, it went something like this:-

Brian: hello
Me: hey

Brian: How are you?
Me: Emo

Brian: Me too
Me: What for?

Brian: no reason
Me: wtf?

Brian: Yarh. Hear your voice then I suddenly emo. Miracle ler..
Me: wtf??

Brian: So.... wanna bet who's emo-ier?
Me: WTF???

Brian: I'm serious ler! I'm so emo now I could eat 3 packets of Doritos
Me: hmph. Eat la. I don't care. I'm the original emo-ier. Kenot copy.

Brian: Eh! Emo not you invent wan le. No copyright also
Me: I dun care (*sulks*)

Brian: Hah! I knew I was emo-ier than you
Me: wtf? where got??? you don't sound emo also. stop lying you liar! (sorry la. brain was not exactly working. can't think of more creative names to call him. *sigh*)

Brian: Me no lie. Me sitting down larh..
Me: ........

Brian: So.. how are you?
Me: I'm fine lah!

Brian: HAH! i knew you were lying! See! I told you I'm more emo
Me: wtf wtf wtf -____- I'm more emooooooo!

Brian: No larh. Dun lie. You are annoyed, not emo. You think I stupid arh?
Me: .........

We argued like that for almost 20 minutes. Geez. Now I feel like such a retard.

ps. Its amazing how much heartache you can get when someone dear disappoints. Being the one elder, I supposed its my fault. Again. But how much can one person really tolerate? And for how long? I feel apprehension and tension. Unwilling to forget, will this be the end?

pps. Seeds of doubt are sprouting. I'm in trouble.

Monday, October 20, 2008

7 days

This is a very simple post just to inform you:

"Don't worry. I'm still alive."

Have a good day.

how quickly time flew
locked up in the dark
undisturbed, alone

echoes of past footsteps
reverbating in hidden paths
forever hidden in shadows

ps. MLit annotated bibliography draft due on Wednesday. why do I not care?
pps. In need of distractions. I refuse to sit home and emo. Suggestions?

Listening to : Enya - Ask the Mountains.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

In Memory, Always

I'm home.

I was there. With him. So perfectly still, so pale.

Its disconcerting, how easily life goes out. *Poof* an errant breeze, and the once roaring flame, brimming full with energy goes out. Just like that. Leaving the smoky scent of memories, hovering, clinging, leaving the faintest spark of what could have been.

The unnaturally sunny skies and the occasional breeze. That the sun would shine so brightly today, on such a day offends me for some obscure reason. But then again, you've always liked the sun haven't you? That smile, the laughter...

It was much too brief, our time.


His mum recognised me. I was shocked.

I knew he was close to his mum, and yet, it was still so very unexpected. She told me, that he'd shown her my picture, that he'd told them about me, that very night he brought me out. I could only sit there, stunned, tears falling at the memory.

I never knew.

Celine was comforting, a mother figure thats more like a friend. Now i know why he'd confided in her. Despite her tears, I could feel her watching me. Every move I made.

When I approached, it was all I could do, not to break down and cry, right there, right then. So silent, so still, so final. It isn't fair.


I went to his room. As messy as it ever was. Random clothings in a corner of the bed, a now dry towel hanging on the door knob. CD's piled in an untidy stack, assorted markers and pens literring the table. I could feel the anticipation, as if everything was awaiting the return of its owner.

A deep red envelope caught my eye. Celine saw and without hesitation, she took it out amidst the pile from the table.

"He wrote it for you," she said, passing it to me.

I opened the card, and saw the half written words. I could feel my heart hammering, demanding to be let out of its cage. I noticed he'd taken pains to write nicely. His script wasn't always that neat. He remembered when we met last year, at WR's birthday party, 3 days before Halloween.

It started then. The dam burst.


It was finally over. As I went down the stairs, I felt strangely relieved.

Sheng was there, relief flooding his face - probably when he realized I hadn't gone out and killed myself or done something stupid. He was quiet on the way back, fearing to trigger the tears. I laughed in his face.

Its easier now. No less painful, but bearable.

Everyone's walking on eggshells around me now - everyone who knew that is. I'm still not over it, but I promise I'd try to behave. Thoughts no longer running amok. I have no doubt coherency will be along soon. Thats one thing he's always liked.

After all, knowing him, he's probably laughing his ass off in heaven right now - while I'm making a fool of myself in public.

I'm keeping the card.
Thank you, Alex Soo.

Please drive carefully. I can't bear losing anyone anymore.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


You were right.

Things are never as easy as they seem.

What am I to do now?

I need you, right now.

I miss you, so much.

Turn back time. Please.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

9am, Tuesday

oh, guess what.......

IT'S FINALLY OVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*jumps with joy*

... and no, it ain't the last time you caught me capering around with chocolate on my mouth and some fake boa thingy around my neck -___-" (ms.lynette fong! you have no right to be creeping up on me like that ok! wtf..) damn embarrassing ok!

and her'e my effusive and overwhelming gratitude to those i've annoyed, whined, complained, sulked, emo-ed, screams (and all the other characteristics of a mad woman at 3am in the morning) throughout this extremely traumatic period... WHICH I SURVIVED!

*tears in eyes like some Oscar award thingy wtf*

thanks for calling all the way from there despite the ungodly hour
thanks for bearing with all my stupid whims, whines and crazyness
thanks for scolding me when all i did was procrastinate till the very end
thanks for not killing me when i practically screamed you deaf yesterday

i know i owe you coffee when you come back... and i promise i shall not weasel out of this one (or at least i will try very hard not to?) you owe me chocolates anyway. =D

will be off to meet Mesha in a while. overdue posts and pictures will be up soon - right after i finish hyperventilating that is. sorry about the delay. geez, i never knew it could be so sinful to be so happy.

ok. it's time to grab a shower and look decent. ciao~

Sunday, October 12, 2008

5am, Sunday

sorry for the lack of updates.
life's been pretty hectic lately
...and NO i have not been out partying. much.

one last assignment before i collapse.
IPD is a bitch. an evil relentless torturous bitch. ugh.
(the subject. not the lecturer.)

clock is ticking

time is moving

i is dying

tired and stressed out.
i need help.

*accepting donations or sponsor for a spa trip. or my funeral.
..whichever comes first.

ps. i ain't responsible for any emotional trauma you get for seeing a dead and depressed elmo. addiction to an annoying talking puppet -of any kind- ain't good for you anyway.

pps. babe, im getting annoyed at being treated like your personal butler. or maid. or courier service. Why don't you just tell me what you want and let me arrange it instead of being sent random emails by random people (or worse! random sms-es) to arrange for places with objects i had no memory of ordering? Seems to me i've told you this before? I heart you loads babe, but you're getting on my nerves. A lot.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

black balloons

Ugh. memories come flooding back and all I could do is stand there, helplessly reliving each fateful moment. No regrets yet it hurts all the same.

Emo moments aside, my days have been jam packed (or should i say sardine packed?) with stuffs. so much that I have yet to actually start a single assignment due by next week. I foresee long nights ahead. ah yessss - i have the sight..

Seriously, its amazing how I've managed to survive this long, especially with such a procrastinating attitude towards my work. It ain't lazyness.

Don't yell at me, you don't understand.

I can't help it though. I absolutely detest that community where I actually feel isolated, and occasionally alienated. Ugh. never again am I letting myself go through all that crappy trauma, heartache and general emoness of isolation. Perhaps its best to leave things as it is, unresolved.

I would rather distance myself than to risk the hurt again. It simply takes too long to heal. Forgive me. I ain't strong enough.

Who can say where the road goes..
Where the days flows..
Only time..


Call me an attention whore. I don't care. It ain't any of your business, so get lost.

Its 5.25am. And here I am. Will I never learn?