i miss my com...

borrowed jun's laptop agn.. checked my mail.. had 136mail thx to all the notification by friendster and facebook.. and of course a few actual mails.. took almost an hour to clear my inbox thx to the slow connection. haihz.. and i have yet to clear my facebook... dad called to check. apparently another 2 or 3 days is needed before it'll be returned to me..

for some inexplainable reason, i find myself feeling terribly insecure. not so much in others but more in myself..

"so many times i was alone and couldn't sleep
you left me drowning in my tears of memory

and ever since you've gone and found it hard to breathe
cause there was so much that your heart just couldn't see

a thousand ways to dreams
rolling of my eyes
the times been healing me
and i say goodbye..

cz i can breathe again, dream again
i'll be on the road again
like it used to be the other day
now feel free again, so innocent
cause someone makes me hold again

for sure
i'll find another you"

- cascada -

i don't know what i think sometimes, especially in the dead of the night when i should by all means be asleep. sometimes i feel like laughung. sometimes i just wanna cry. and sometimes, i just plain confused. i've tried to analyse my behaviour. as far as i know of, the cause of my unstability is unknown. okay, which of you jerks or bitches out there made me this way?! its not so much the rolling uncontrabble tidal wave of emotions that grip me at the most unfortunate times, but the apparent lack of causes of triggers. honestly, have i gone mental in captivity?? maybe i've finally collapsed under all that stress (what stress?!!) i've endured..

hmm.. results coming out soon. tmr in fact. i don't know what to think. i'm scared. terribly. wanted to call someone. but i didn't see the point seeing as they'll just be freaking me out by being freaked out. ah well.. the thing is, i am quite sure (after the initial dissappointment) that i can deal with it. i've really tried my best at that time. and i'm frankly, happy i haven't commited suicide (or thought of it) during the entire course. yay me! but can my dear straight-A's-always-top-in-class parents deal with it? i've always felt that i've been a slight dissappointment to them. i mean, recently, academically i've started failing and its not like i can actually do anything else. i absolutely abhor housework and prefer instead lazing around or out spending money. am i a failure? -i don't know what to think-

lalala~~

whatever that comes, i'll take it in stride*

(*does not include external variables)