In Memory, Always

I'm home.

I was there. With him. So perfectly still, so pale.

Its disconcerting, how easily life goes out. *Poof* an errant breeze, and the once roaring flame, brimming full with energy goes out. Just like that. Leaving the smoky scent of memories, hovering, clinging, leaving the faintest spark of what could have been.

The unnaturally sunny skies and the occasional breeze. That the sun would shine so brightly today, on such a day offends me for some obscure reason. But then again, you've always liked the sun haven't you? That smile, the laughter...

It was much too brief, our time.

-------------------

His mum recognised me. I was shocked.

I knew he was close to his mum, and yet, it was still so very unexpected. She told me, that he'd shown her my picture, that he'd told them about me, that very night he brought me out. I could only sit there, stunned, tears falling at the memory.

I never knew.

Celine was comforting, a mother figure thats more like a friend. Now i know why he'd confided in her. Despite her tears, I could feel her watching me. Every move I made.

When I approached, it was all I could do, not to break down and cry, right there, right then. So silent, so still, so final. It isn't fair.

-------------------

I went to his room. As messy as it ever was. Random clothings in a corner of the bed, a now dry towel hanging on the door knob. CD's piled in an untidy stack, assorted markers and pens literring the table. I could feel the anticipation, as if everything was awaiting the return of its owner.

A deep red envelope caught my eye. Celine saw and without hesitation, she took it out amidst the pile from the table.

"He wrote it for you," she said, passing it to me.

I opened the card, and saw the half written words. I could feel my heart hammering, demanding to be let out of its cage. I noticed he'd taken pains to write nicely. His script wasn't always that neat. He remembered when we met last year, at WR's birthday party, 3 days before Halloween.

It started then. The dam burst.

-------------------

It was finally over. As I went down the stairs, I felt strangely relieved.

Sheng was there, relief flooding his face - probably when he realized I hadn't gone out and killed myself or done something stupid. He was quiet on the way back, fearing to trigger the tears. I laughed in his face.

Its easier now. No less painful, but bearable.

Everyone's walking on eggshells around me now - everyone who knew that is. I'm still not over it, but I promise I'd try to behave. Thoughts no longer running amok. I have no doubt coherency will be along soon. Thats one thing he's always liked.

After all, knowing him, he's probably laughing his ass off in heaven right now - while I'm making a fool of myself in public.

I'm keeping the card.
Thank you, Alex Soo.


Please drive carefully. I can't bear losing anyone anymore.