a lil' msg from me to me..

i'm lacking sleep again. and i have to get up at 7am tmr!!!

haihz.. i don't know how i'm ever gonna make it..

been a little hectic these past few days.

what with joyce's and adeline's birthdays.

and then people trying to book my time

honestly....... =="

missed the class trip (college) which started yesterday

they went malacca

sad

hope they had fun =)

will miss them

especially those who live far far away and will be going back soon

sad

went out with JN yesterday.

went for dinner at pj.

some seafood restaurant.

food not bad.

price quite reasonable.

might go there again.

except i don't know how :p

no worries, i'll ask him :)

but i'm broke.

so no expensive food in the near future.

daddy didn't give any allowance =(

me poor again.

haiz..

going PD tmr.

i'm gonna get darker

warning: may not be recognisable when back

just hope i get an even tan

hehe

random trip to genting tdy

stupid brian

he told me only going batu caves to eat

ended up in genting

dumb dumb

wanted to drag me into casino

but i good girl

never go in

cause still underage

but he hurt my arm =(

so i made him buy me ice-cream

i feel better now =D

reached home at about 7pm

just in time for dinner

they wanted to go eat pizza

but since i such a good girl

i came home

to spend time with my family

ended up with Korean dinner

now a little bored

sien...

dunno what to blog

sorry for posting such a wierd post. this is highly unlike me. but i just read the lame_queen's blog. this is just like her style. maybe stuck in my unconscious mind. then ter-copy her blogging style. hmm...

my darling lynn went to england today. will be back in 2 weeks. wish her safe journey. also a great time there. envy her. i wanna go to!!! lol. but obviously i can't. so, i'll just stay here. in m'sia. waiting for my souvenir - which WILL NOT be a box of chocolates, bought from the airport... *hint hint* (lynn, i know u read my blog.. *blek*)

okay. i feel funny again. and chien isn't here to make me laugh. so i'll just go indulge in a bar of chocolate. i think i'm growing fat - to the approval of my granma. damn! i need to start exercising. been slacking for a year now. better start again. just wished it wasn't so hard. i seriously lack discipline...

was talking to myself in the mirror again (adeline would know what i'm talking about). my mum heard. i bet she thinks i've lost my mind. again.

a note to jun:

stop laughing!! its your fault! its always your fault! but no one ever believes me.. ish..

and beware.. i'm gonna get my revenge... someday..

MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA (evil laugh)

*blek*

dumb@ss!!

i'm pissed
i'm irritated
i'm annoyed

and i'm NOT HAVING PMS!

had a call from an old 'friend' today. i was ready to bury the hatchet, willing to forgive. but was he satisfied?? oh nooooooooo..... he wanted more and guess what? he wanted to be 'more than friends' again. this is the conv, quoted verbatim:

@rseh0le: hey, free to chat? long time no talk d...
me: sure.. i guess... (i was a little shocked)
@rseh0le : great. i was kinda bored. broke up with celine earlier. she was getting boring.
me: erm... *speechless*
@rseh0le: hey, wanna be my gf again? i've always found you interesting..

broke up and asked me barely 3 hours later?? find me 'interesting'????!

does he really think that i'll be stupid enough to be his arm candy again??!

who does he think he is??!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fyi. i have yet to forget the betrayal and hurt you put me through! and you think i can simply forget the insults??!! do you think you can once again use me and then discard me like some old rag doll??! oh puh-lease! for one thing, i've learnt my lesson and that is to never trust a lying, conniving ungrateful skunk like you!!

i have only one thing to say to you buster!
GET A F******* LIFE!!!

my darling geisha

here's a post about one of the people i love most (as a friend! i'm straight k - dun get any ideas!)

there was this girl i met back in form 4. believe it or not, i was extremely shy then and honestly, i had difficulty mixing with my then new classmates. then along came this girl with a wide smile and a cheerful grin. i remembered that she knew at least half the class and often came to talk to the 2 girls in front of me. somehow, we started talking and i guess we became fast friends. she's one of the most optimistic person i ever knew, always looking on the bright side of things, rarely grumbling or complaining. supportive too i might add. i really don't know what i would've done if she wasn't there for me throughout the year. yeap.. she's my sweetheart...

one thing though, shopping with her is an absolute nightmare. i mean serious shopping of course - hanging out don't count. why? as i said before, she's extremely nice to the point where her opinion isn't to be trusted. honestly, everything is nice to her no matter what you try on... and somehow, at the end of the day, i will somehow find my cash severely depleted.. not a good thing.. lol

but she's a great buddy to hang out with. i can always count on her to listen and gossip with me.. and of course, she's a full fledged camwhore too =D we can take pictures ANYWHERE. haha..

fast forward 2 years later where everyone splits up to pursue their education at numerous colleges and schools. me, adeline and yean ling went to taylors whereas she continued in form 6. this choice may also be influenced by the fact that she was chosen to go for NS - as i was. but she actually went, whereas i simply deferred (hopefully they've forgotten about me). as hers was the second batch - march till june, it was impossible for her to enrol in the same course as ours. hence, form 6. from that time onwards, we rarely met, an only when we persuaded her AND her mum to allow her to hang out.

recently, i found out that she's moving to a far far faraway place (yeah.. i'm exaggerating.. but its far enough that it would be difficult for us to meet up) in less than 3 weeks time. no longer will she be a mere 15 mins away. i'm really gonna miss her loads. i'm sad. my darling geisha, we ARE gonna keep in touch right?

misses u lotz.. =(

*hugs*

stupid accounts

I'M SAD

not depressed, but not happy either.

so many things are happening all at once and i feel as if i'm on an accelerating conveyor belt, moving towards a climax where i either emerge the victor of my inner demons or plunge into despair.

hard to say which, as i feel as if i could go either way now.

telling people, trying to share isn't helping either.

i mean the advises were pretty much the same,

eg. "dun think so much", "don't worry", "just relax", etc...

AARRGGGHHHH!!!

how can i NOT think and worry???

i mean, its something that is done unconsciously right?

f.y.i, its not exactly my intention to to stress myself out and get pimples!

gosh.. even the internet is going against me! y is the line so slow???

nah, i'm not in the mood to share my problems here.

maybe another time - when i'm less frustrated - and when the line gets better.

i want to scream but i don't want my mum barging into my room, asking me if i'm ok.

I'M NOT OKAY!!!

but i don't know why and how to answer if anyone asks.

for all i know, she'll just consider them a trivialty, and thats worse. its bad enough not having the same interests, but to consider my problems trivial (and i might very well be..) is just to much for me to handle at this moment.

I NEED TO CHILL

yeah.. i know.. i keep telling myself that too..

but it's also possible that i'm chilling too much

I'M GONNA DIE

yup.. no surprise there either.. seeing its 3 hours of accounts i'm facing tomorrow

sorry susan ong. i tried my best, but i simply hate your subject..

and yeah.. when i die, make sure u all give me a nice eulogy k?

maybe some flowers would be nice too.. its up to you of course.

but do remember me in your memories...

yeah.. i'm wallowing in self-pity...

so what if i am?! it's my blog and i can do whatever i want! so there!

hmph!

p.s. stupid accounts.....

Feeling, Thoughts, Emotions

Who am I – what makes me think – what do I feel – what do I think?
I am an individual with thoughts and feelings that extend beyond my family and friends.

There are thinks that can take my breath away – sunsets, storm clouds, flowers, a lover’s kiss.

Or make me cry – old photographs, goodbyes, touching movies and songs, an argument.

Or make me queasy – runny egg whites, slimy bugs, dead and stinky fish.

Or give me goose bumps – horror movies, feelings of deja-vu, the dentist with his rubber gloves, Moonlight Sonata.

Or make me feel good – ice-creams, chocolates, shopping, vacations, manicures.

Or make me laugh – comedies, friends (watching YC laugh or Jun trying to be funny).

Or make me crabby – long line-ups, rude people, slow internet connection, basically things not working out.

Or confuse me – computers, electronics, accounts, arithmetic.

Or captivate me – a good book, gossips, high heels, my room, my friends, and my camera, the pimple on my nose.

I’ve often been rather reclusive. Rarely sharing what I feel, and even then, only to a certain few. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I find it hard to fully trust someone. This is not meant to offend anybody, it’s just me. A lousy past has a way of making one wary. Perhaps a little too much. I’ve been trying to get over it though and I’d like to believe I’m succeeding, even if it’s at a snail’s pace. At least I’m advancing, and that’s all that matters right?

There are many things I regret – stupid arguments, words that should not have been said, time that was wasted, money that could have been saved.

Many flaws in me that I wished I could’ve changed – mood swings, sarcasm, low tolerance, high temper, spoilt mannerism, selfishness.

There are many things about me that many people don’t like. But what the heck, nobody’s perfect. And if you expect me to be, I would advise you to take a look at yourself first. Past experiences have shown me not to be a hypocrite. I’ve been gossiped, back-stabbed, betrayed, disappointed, heart-broken and depressed.

Watching others who are extroverts, watching them extend their influence. Yes, I do envy them for their social skills. I wished I could be as open, as funny, and as smart. But to be like that, is to forsake who I’m meant to be and who I can be. I have realized that I am an individual, unique in my own way, loved for being me. I love myself. My friends love me. My family loves me. And that is all that matters.

It’s amazing what I can think when I’m staring at the blank spaces on the paper in front of me, TRYING (obviously not suceeding) to study for an exam which is in 2 days time, failing miserably. Thinking about me (talk about self-opinioned!) when I am fully aware that the grades I’m going to get will determine the balance between life and death (by my dad).

Yeah, I do amaze myself sometimes too.

And no, I’m not emo-ing either.

And I’ve absolutely no idea why are you reading this. Or want to for that matter.

a different me

listening to the pattering of the rain
i find myself thinking about how much i've changed
from one who used to be super shy - still am
to be who i am today

sometimes nowadays i find myself unsure of who i am and what i have become.
no longer do i feel content to be just me.
no longer can i honestly say "i love me, myself and i".
and i don't know why...

sometimes, just sometimes,
i feel like i'm all alone
despite having friends all around me
no offence to you guys, of course..
i just feel alone - and not in a good way

earlier, while i was chatting with a friend
he told me he felt like shutting himself up in a closet
never to come out
despite ridiculing him
i felt like i knew what he meant
this isn't good

this isn't good at all...

i've never been one to share whenever i need help
never, until i break down
and then i'm a pitiful sight
and i apologize to those ppl who knew
for burdening you with my insignificant little troubles

but then again, if you weren't there for me,
who are you to call yourself a friend?

this is a crappy little post from a crappy little blogger
(who's supposed to be studying)

right.

i'm supposed to be bored with blogger. been concentrating more on my xanga account. but really, i'm addicted. and u can't blame me. cz honestly, don't you think you'd rather blog than study? studying stuff which i cannot remember. staring at the tiny words across the textbook, trying to make sense of graphs and tables. i'm annoyed and grumpy. bah!

by the way, happy birthday li jean :) sorry i couldn't make it for your party. mum wouldn't let. say need study :( haihz.. another totally wasted weekend...

2 down, 3 more to go!

i met an old friend of mine today. actually he saw me first, since i actually walked past him without recognising ==" (well, you know how i am.. so you shouldn't be surprised anyway). okay, back to the topic, as i was saying, i met an old friend, jonathan lee (if anyone else knows him) an old playmate of mine. haha, i remember how we used to play when we were much younger. he's older than me by a year and lived next to my babysitter. so he came round to play a lot. i remember he used to make me play with his ultraman toys (i'll be the monster and he'll be zooming around me) in return for sweets. aaahhh.. the good ol'days. hehe. he used to love bugging me about being shorter than him and guess what? sadly, it hasn't changed. the male ego.. tsk tsk... lol. anyway our conversation went something like this:-

jon: OI PEI MIN!!!!!
me: *looks around*
jon: here la!! *arms waving*
me: oh.. do i know you?
jon: sweat..... its jon la.. jonathan..? really dun remember arh?
me: um.. *thinks hard* oooh!! yaya remember!!
jon:haha.. i can see that your memory as bad as ever. good thing i'm still taller than you!
*conversation continues with more mundane stuff eg. where are u studying, etc...

wtf la that fella! i was wearing 2 1/2 inch heels! and he's still taller than me by a head!! and he kept rubbing that in every chance he got!

*gggrrr...*

so yeah, but it was still great bumping into him la :)

makes me notice how much i've grown.

hehe. i'm a big big girl now :D

lol.. okay, now for updates on my exams. 2 down, 3 more to go :

• ESL - not as good as i hoped. the guy was practically mumbling, especially during the second part. and essay was about online learning, i disagreed. lol, doubt i have the self-discipline needed and i doubt many people can sit in front of the com and ONLY STUDY!
• Maths - don't even ask. in 5 words: stupid stupid dumb dumb paper!

aih.. its too late to do anything about it now. might as well concentrate on the other 3 remaining papers - economics, psychology and accounts.

another thing that's giving me a headache - my prom dress. ish.. despite the less-than-2-weeks dateline, i still haven't found a dress. surprised? thanks a lot to my uncooperative mum and my oh-youngsters-nowadays-are-so-spoilt aunt. oh yeah.. i LOVE my life.. NOT!

right. i'll stop blogging now. and resume studying

(after i've facebook-ed, friendster-ed, msn-ed a little)

it's 1.35am on a saturday morning

and i should be *ahem* studying

right =P

still-chiling-despite-incoming-doom-me

oh yeah.. you must be wondering why on earth is this girl blogging

when her exam is less than 30 hours away..

well, if you must know, its because :-

(a) she feels bloated (from too much pasta)

(b) a side effect (from over-high caffeine intake)

now, i know you are gonna go "tsk tsk.." *shakes head* right?

well, just give me a break because f.y.i : I DID STUDY!

ha! just shows that i CAN be independent and disciplined

p.s. just don't expect this attitude often =P

i just found out that my cousin's visiting this thursday a.k.a Deepavali day a.k.a Maths finals

AARRGGHH!!! this is so so so annoying.. its supposed to be a goddamned public holiday!

these SSABSA people really have serious issues =="

*sigh*

well, nothing can be done,

and i guess i will just have to forgo the supposed-to-be-awesome breakfast with them.

usually, i wouldn't even grumble much.. i mean, i'm not even usually awake for breakfast. hehe, mornings are totally lost on me. what can i say? nobody's perfect...

but the thing is, is that they (notice the word 'they', not 'me' or 'us') will be joined by angeline's family. i haven't met angeline in ages! and i so so so miss her.. she used to be my shopping buddy before she moved away.. and of course daniel too a.k.a her still-kinda-cute older brother. hehe.. i remember a time when i had a crush on him. was very very awkward ==". well, that was like oh, bout 3 years ago.. i wonder how much has he changed? hmm..

well, no use thinking about it - because i will NOT be there. instead i'll probably be in some small, depressing, and cold room sitting for a stupid paper. yup.. i totally love my life - not!

okay, just thinking about this is depressing..

i'm like constantly telling myself to go study but i don't think its working. because believe it or not, i can argue with myself. and actually lose ==" . how pathetic is that? aih.. guess my id is waaay stronger and more domineering than my superego. wtf!

on a final note.. i did save some money - which probably won't last any longer than thursday. thats because i plan to go on a full fledged shopping spree on thursday, after the paper to soothe my soon-to-be bruised mind. ah.. whatever..

okay, its late. and i'm going to sleep..

*oops* did i just say 'sleep'?

erm.. haha.. i meant study of course..

i really aim to do that =)

wish me luck in succeeding* :) :)

*i'm probably gonna need it - seriously

immaterial world

its been 4 miserable morning since i got the new. and i honestly can't say i feel any better since then. well, at least the tears have stopped flowing.

thats something isn't it? at least i'm back in control and for that i'm grateful.

during those horrible moments where i didn't feel like myself, im glad to have those who were there. many comforting words were there. but i wan't you to know, that it wasn't really the words that mattered, but your support. you know who you are and i just wanna say thanks =)

so, on to happier and less depressing topics..

guess what???

i finally started studying.. HA!

lol.. i spent almost 3 hours of uninterupted study on psych

and im glad to say that i've finally mastered Topic 4 - Personality

*awww* im so proud of myself

*pat self on back*

i was so proud that i rewarded myself with a nice big chocolate ice-cream from baskin robbins. well.. actually, adrian rewarded me with a big chocolate ice-cream.. but i let him. so that counts right? hehe.

but thanks dear :)

well, im gonna try to nerd it tonight and finish Topic 5 too but i seriously doubt i'll succeed. the victory is still fresh in mind. haha. honestly, if i manage to finish till Topic 6 by tomorrow, im sooooo gonna reward myself this weekend. shopping anyone? hehe

last night was Halloween. not that i usually celebrate, but it was a fun night. went to lydia's party with adrian (he's supposingly my date) who abandoned me 5 minutes after we arrived. thanks a lot! wandered around a little, cause there were many people i din noe.. probably lydia's current friends but whatever.. anyway, there was this guy who approached me with a lame pick up line, trying to act cool. seriously pathetic =="

there was free flow of alcohol. but i didn't drink much. just a glass of wine. and i'm not lying! because unlike some people, i can control myself. right ken? =p

well, i took some pictures. unfortunately its with sara's cam, which meant that i will probably not get it till.. hmm... next year? and no, i won't beg you for it cz i know what you're gonna say: " too bad. who ask you never bring cam? my camera, my rules". am i correct in assuming so sara? lol. or did u just say that to annoy kev? haha

the internet connection is freaking slow!!!!!!!

arrgghH!!

i'm annoyed

maybe all i need is another ice-cream to cool me down

*hint hint* =P

well, its dinnertime

and i have a plate of spaghetti with my name on it

so ciao!

- i really should be studying instead of blogging shouldn't i?-

*sigh*

don't tell me,

i already know the answer