Feeling, Thoughts, Emotions

Who am I – what makes me think – what do I feel – what do I think?
I am an individual with thoughts and feelings that extend beyond my family and friends.

There are thinks that can take my breath away – sunsets, storm clouds, flowers, a lover’s kiss.

Or make me cry – old photographs, goodbyes, touching movies and songs, an argument.

Or make me queasy – runny egg whites, slimy bugs, dead and stinky fish.

Or give me goose bumps – horror movies, feelings of deja-vu, the dentist with his rubber gloves, Moonlight Sonata.

Or make me feel good – ice-creams, chocolates, shopping, vacations, manicures.

Or make me laugh – comedies, friends (watching YC laugh or Jun trying to be funny).

Or make me crabby – long line-ups, rude people, slow internet connection, basically things not working out.

Or confuse me – computers, electronics, accounts, arithmetic.

Or captivate me – a good book, gossips, high heels, my room, my friends, and my camera, the pimple on my nose.

I’ve often been rather reclusive. Rarely sharing what I feel, and even then, only to a certain few. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I find it hard to fully trust someone. This is not meant to offend anybody, it’s just me. A lousy past has a way of making one wary. Perhaps a little too much. I’ve been trying to get over it though and I’d like to believe I’m succeeding, even if it’s at a snail’s pace. At least I’m advancing, and that’s all that matters right?

There are many things I regret – stupid arguments, words that should not have been said, time that was wasted, money that could have been saved.

Many flaws in me that I wished I could’ve changed – mood swings, sarcasm, low tolerance, high temper, spoilt mannerism, selfishness.

There are many things about me that many people don’t like. But what the heck, nobody’s perfect. And if you expect me to be, I would advise you to take a look at yourself first. Past experiences have shown me not to be a hypocrite. I’ve been gossiped, back-stabbed, betrayed, disappointed, heart-broken and depressed.

Watching others who are extroverts, watching them extend their influence. Yes, I do envy them for their social skills. I wished I could be as open, as funny, and as smart. But to be like that, is to forsake who I’m meant to be and who I can be. I have realized that I am an individual, unique in my own way, loved for being me. I love myself. My friends love me. My family loves me. And that is all that matters.

It’s amazing what I can think when I’m staring at the blank spaces on the paper in front of me, TRYING (obviously not suceeding) to study for an exam which is in 2 days time, failing miserably. Thinking about me (talk about self-opinioned!) when I am fully aware that the grades I’m going to get will determine the balance between life and death (by my dad).

Yeah, I do amaze myself sometimes too.

And no, I’m not emo-ing either.

And I’ve absolutely no idea why are you reading this. Or want to for that matter.